Ferrari in two car surprise
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There was red faced embarrassment over the weekend for the ever-present Scuderia, shortly after realising they'd actually been running two cars all year.
The slight oversight came to light as portly mechanic Guiseppe explained: "I was a putting away di gantry likea dis, and a all of a sudden, a voice is in my ear.... he say, Boys, whata strategy do we do? I looka at the car and say howa spooky it is, Sharl can be outta di car and still on di radio, and then Marco saya No! That's a Sebastian, he still drivea di car forra us! Mama mia..."
Cheery Italian stereotype Mario chipped in: "We canta believe it! We a thought Sebastian, he just come to see ow we do, we notta realise we leava him di keys to the other car!". Further investigations revealed that Vettel had been preparing the car, fuelling, running the briefings and strategy meetings all by him self. This has lead to suspicions that his all nighters assembling the car had left him a touch grumpy during the races. Unfortunately, being so busy the one important thing he forgot to do was write his own contract for next year.
Red Bull swap-gate
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We can exclusively reveal why Red Bull have stayed out of the Pink-Mercedes saga, and that is the Red Bull senior team themselves have a secret car exchange programme with the Alpha Tauri junior team. As the cars are so similar nobody bothered to spot that Alex Albon has been driving Piere Gasly's car in Alpha Tauri colours, and vice versa. Pundits now suspect the scheme has actually been going on since last year, evidenced by all the strange results.
We caught up with an unusually unguarded and hammered Dr Helmut Marko in the Circuit de Catalunya paddock. "It's hilarious!", blurted the usually straight-laced Bond villain lookalike, while absolutely tanked to the gills on Sangria. "Ze kids have no idea I'm fucking wiz zem... they cry a bit to their mamas teat, and we just get ze next kid in... I think ve hav ze next one in a box ready.", he said staggering off the stool for another drink.
When speaking to Max about the revelation he was quite taken aback. "Wait what, you're saying I have a team-mate...? How long has that been going on... did they replace Danny Ric then?", before heading off to Christian Horner to ask about the work experience scheme kids.
Liberty unveil new face strategy for F1
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Liberty Media (LIBM - trading up 2.2 points) has unveiled a new strategy for F1, to prevent utter borefests like the Silverstone Grand Prix, which was only rescued by an exploding tyre on car 44, also known colloquially as a "I told you so, Bono". It promises in future to install micro grenades all Pirellis, of which a random one will explode every time Martin Brundle whips out one of his Brundle Bingo catchphrases. Liberty Media (LIMB - now trading down 2 and half cents in the Ugandan Florin), apologised profusely to its newly acquired fans for the complete snoozefest. Not even *SHOUTING SO HARD THE DISTORTION BLEW UP THE SKY COFFEE MAKER*, or completely over the top theme music, could keep a typical 3 second attention spanned amoeba engaged.
Such was the mind numbing tedium, of waiting for the front two cars to go wheel to wheel with chainsaws and rusty shanks to the expected tones of commentators shouting *LOUDLY*, bored out of their skull fans were perilously close to observing one of the plethora of motorsport versions of UFC fights going on throughout the field lap after lap. Their action starved craniums were only saved by something "noteworthy" happening, when the tyres remembered they were Pirellis - and at Silverstone. Liberty Media (LIBIMDO - up 4.h5 Pfenigs on the Brent Crude Spread Hedge Yield), therefore hope a tyre exploding every lap, for every race (with 52-53 races slated per year by next Wednesday) will keep hordes of dis-interested merch wearing instagrams half interested for as long as it takes to watch another 73 pointless sodding Alfa Romeo adverts.
"But what happens when people get used to lead changing 56 times a lap and 30 cars out of 20 crossing the finishing line within a pico-second... won't the fans get bored of that too?", we asked. "Ah balls.... yeah we hadn't thought of that. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.", said a spokesperson for Liberty Media (MIB-L - down 4 martian Pesos on the what-does-any-of-this-garbage-mean-anyway-and-how-does-it-help-the-sport stock exchange).