Aldi buy McLaren

In a stunning revelation confirmed* by our source at the German discount store HQ, Aldi has bought the entire McLaren group.

Our source, who says this is nailed on, was present* at negotiations as the deal was thrashed out. According to Mr. Seenme (not his real name), Zak Brown saw a plethora of opportunities working with the brand. 'Youain' (still not his real name, roight) also exclusively* revealed to us that the catering budget could be slashed by a deal to supply the team slightly weird but surprisingly passable tasting, un-pronounceable named continental food. McLaren would also get varying levels of quality pit garage equipment, but only at random seasonal times. They'd also be allowed in store an hour early to have have a chance of bagging stock before it sold out, before coming back for a refund because the compressors don't have a cat's chance in hell of doing what they show on the picture, and the coffee machines turn out to be utterly cack.
In the partnership, Lando and Daniel would work in the stores as shelf stackers, for high intensity pre-season fitness. They would also take turns on the till, to acclimatise the drivers in the art of the Aldi checkout system. Using the industry leading famous technique, during pitstops the drivers would have their tyres thrown into the cockpit and told to fit them themselves down the pitlane, resulting in 0.25 second pitstops.